God has been taking me on a journey but I didn’t know it. He may have started it just before I became a teenager. My childhood was filled with challenges, but I knew I wasn’t alone. My teenage life was difficult, but He was there. My young adult life was practically impossible, but I never doubted Him. And my adult life thus far in my early and late 30s has had plenty of ups and downs, but I know He will make a way. I won’t go into the details of everything (that’s for a book at a later date), but I often wondered why challenges, heart ache and hard times seem to have followed me. Perhaps my work with Asha’s Refuge is why.

I once prayed to God that I would have a heart, ears and eyes like His. Whatever He saw I wanted to see it from His viewpoint. It was sort of like that song by Brandon Heath. God answered my prayer. Well at least I know He let me see His viewpoint in part. What I was seeing was too much for me to handle. It’s not that I thought I could take care of all that I saw. I just wanted to grow closer to Him and have a better understanding of the kinds of things He sees and feels so that I would make better choices and care for others better. Needless to say, what I saw in part, was too much for me. My spirit grieved when I would watch news reports, my heart sank when I knew others were disconnecting from God entangled in a web of sin, I hurt so bad when someone didn’t want to live, I was burdened by so many who did not know the hope of Christ and felt it my responsibility to help reach them, and I cried out desperately for help for my refugee friends who had already struggled so painfully. In some ways the things I saw stumped me and caused me to become paralyzed and unsure of what to do. It was too much.

One day, I had to fall on my knees and beg of God to stop showing me things. He answered that prayer too or maybe I turned, grew cold and put up a wall. I became numb to things. I noticed that I would hardly ever cry, I seemed to empathize less and was not hearing as well. I was driving in my car and I realized I stopped noticing the drivers on the road next to me of which I used to notice and pray for. I blindly went about each day just trying to accomplish whatever I felt was most important. Sometimes I would almost see or almost hear but I would turn and walk towards what was impacting me personally. I could feel Gods Spirit giving me rest, but not letting me drift. Neither God nor I let this numbness and disregard for others go on very long – I hated it and I knew it disconnected me from the true heart of God so I prayed about this again. (Besides, I had once prayed and asked God to promise me He’d never allow me to drift apart from Him. And when I’ve begun to slip, He’s always been faithful to rein me back in.)

This time when I prayed I was apologetic to the Lord. Who was I to think that I could possibly handle hearing and seeing all of the kinds of things that God saw? Who was I to disregard the very things that God wanted to allow me to see? I had to ask God to give me the strength, patience and wisdom to handle the things He wanted me to hear or see. I respectfully asked God to remind me that He was in charge and would take care of things and that it wasn’t my responsibility to “fix” it all. He simplified for me what He wanted me to do. I was only called to love Him and then love them. The Lord told me to “just love” the people. All people. Every where I go, as I go, just love people. He showed me that He would bring many people to Him in many different ways. God opened up my heart, ears, eyes and mind again and showed me that the difficult times in my life and in other’s lives were not without a reason. He showed me that He would use my experiences to help me relate to a wide group of people. He showed me that He loved me and wanted me to be a part of His work, but that I would have to give up my own ideas, all of myself, and follow Him wholeheartedly and completely.

God has had me on this journey, but I didn’t know it. Most of what I’ve learned I’ve stumbled upon. I’m not anywhere in my life today that God hasn’t allowed me to be. I believe that nothing has happened to me that hasn’t first been filtered through His hands. He has a plan for me in my life and with Asha’s Refuge and it is for good and I know and trust that He will bring it to completion.

You may be on a journey with God and not know it yet. You may not have clarity and you may be desperately searching for it. Maybe you are frustrated. I’m not suggesting I know exactly what God is up to as I totally do not. But, I do know that He is at work. I do know that if you seek Him you will find Him and that He can work anything out for His good. When life hands you too much and you feel like you are slipping, remember that “All things are possible with God” and that He probably has you on a journey. Remember that it’s in His hands and it’s not all your responsibility to handle. Try to joyfully enjoy just being a part of His work even in the most trying times and let His plan and His love overflow out of you onto others. Love Him, then love them.